I guess all good things eventually have to change.
Clouds slowly approach overhead.
It begins to rain.
I forgot my umbrella.
I'm unprepared for this storm.
Wind starts to strike.
I stand there in fright.
But feet are planted firmly on the ground.
Your thunder is something I've gotten used to.
Lightning randomly hits me.
I'm on my back in the street.
Shell shocked but I won't retreat.
This isn't the first or last time I'll taste concrete.
I still see promise in this relationship.
This electrocution makes my head spaz.
So I don't know if I'm overcompensating.
For now I'll keep my head up.
And your electricity will keep me numb.
Your eyes carry so much weight.
When they are focused on my face I want them to dissipate.
Responsible for your happiness as a personal therapist.
Hoping I take your problems away.
I've done it so many times before.
But I'm struggling to do it anymore.
My arms are giving in from the pressure I'm holding.
My wrists are snapping.
I push back to the point of nausea.
Using all the force I have left inside of me.
My legs are bending.
My ankles are quivering.
I refuse to break because I'm someone you depend on.
My whole body is sweating.
She says "please don't let go"
But my back is breaking.
I start cursing.
I lose my balance.
And down comes a year of repression.
Piled on top of my body.
I lay there exhausted and broken.
No words by her were spoken.
The black under my eyes in the mirror reflects our lives.
And every pain in my chest reminds me of all of my regret.
You don't wanna listen.
You're too stubborn.
When will you listen?
I'm on an air balloon and I'm drifting.
For you I used to run myself dry.
Then I realized you weren't worth my time.
All the days we spent together are now hiding behind your bad weather.
You buried me many times before.
To put space between us over and over.
Your hands aren't clean from the dirt you'd pour.
I was fighting back tears in the ground.
I tasted defeat and accepted my fate.
But you dug me up every time you couldn't be alone.
And to heal your wounds.
Only to throw me back down.
And my mouth never made a sound.
That's something I had to change.
I'm regretting letting you in my head.
Every night when I lay in my bed.
I think about how I thought you were the one.
Now a half a year later I finally see I was wrong.
I woke up underwater.
Then swam to the surface.
Wanted to swim to the shore.
But didn't know which way was home anymore.
Under a cloak I tried to reside.
Then you bludgeoned me on the inside.
Starting to bleed out so I screamed you're acting too cavalier.
I was spitting out blood-covered words.
So I took out the knife and said "I've been getting stabbed for over a year"
After you storming out of your car.
I had to chase you down the street.
I said "I'm sorry"
Explained "it wasn't you I'm just way too angry"
You went back in the car and slammed the door.
My legs turned paralyzed.
The wind is whipping hard for February.
I stare at my feet.
They still won't move.
Felt like I was consumed by quicksand.
And I was already in too deep.
I looked at the car.
I looked at the end of the street.
Thinking "run boy this isn't something you can defeat"
But then gazed at the sky and did something I don't usually do.
And said "god please be with me"
I sat back down beside a girl in tears.
I said "it's okay"
"I already forgive you it's what I do"
Talking commences again.
Out come the claws when I least expected it.
And both of us screaming "you don't understand"
I walk away this time.
You speed off.
Then two minutes later you sent a message that said "I'm not leaving yet"
You said "I'm not leaving until we get this right"
I came back out dragging my feet.
Looked you in the eye.
"I said you're fucking killing me"
"But you know I'll give this a try every time"
Drink all day.
Drink all night.
Drink me away.
Tell me I'm the reason you feel pain.
I ripped that bottle from you.
I said you're acting childish.
You're on some self-destructive shit.
And I'm going crazy but I know you can't help it.
That's why I'm holding you down.
Repeating over and over it's not worth it.
I don't wanna be like this.
Your behavior isn't making me wanna commit.
I'm covered in someone else's vomit.
This party is bad as it is.
You're making me wanna take a hiatus.
I don't wanna put you on blast.
But you're making me regret the past.
You're making it worse.
You're making me curse.
You'll say I'll drink until I'll die.
You'll say I don't care and girl you know that's a lie.
I wouldn't be here in this room if that was true.
So next time you act out know it effects me too.
It's 3am and you're hitting me up to talk on the phone.
I think it's best you hear that dial tone.
Not reach my line.
Then leave me alone.
You put me on a pedestal.
I couldn't achieve that height.
All the times I left you crying at night.
From blunt facts that turn into a fight.
I taught you a lot about standing up for yourself.
And how to find yourself in poetry and therapy.
But what does that mean to you now?
When I'm the reason you're being held you down.
Why can't we ever agree on a compromise.
Not just sit here and pretend it's alright.
I'll say I'm fine.
You'll say that's a lie.
That's because it is.
Digging up old feelings to try to make you happy.
But it only leaves me mentally dizzy.
I'll become drained to the core.
What's the point of this anymore?
I do it all for you, every single move.
Taking my own health and putting it to the side.
I want you to be happy but it's killing me.
I'm not the person you want me to be.
This isn't anything you actually need.
I blame myself.
Even when I shouldn't.
Remember when you told me I'm the only one who keeps you calm.
But what about the boy with the over-tired tongue?
He's never at ease.
He's far away from being someone who feels relief.
'Round and 'round we'll spin.
Like the record you gave me for Christmas.
Of your favorite band.
Through the speakers you haunt my room.
And your spirit enters my body until I'm costumed.
Sleeping with you tonight one way or another.
You might as well just get under the covers.
All my nightmares I wish you could see.
So maybe you'd learn what you do to me.
How much closure can I try to give?
It seems like you close your ears up and don't listen.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm no longer yours.
You had me at my knees.
Now I know my wealth and I'm ready to leave.
With a backpack filled with memories of being mistreated.
And a heart ripped apart at the seams.
You want to stitch me back up but I'm already gone.
You should have been this seamstress when I needed you the most.
Not as a Hail Mary to win me back.
I'm walking on a trail that you'll never find.
Towards a place where I don't waste all of my time.
You're on such a thin line of no return and you don't realize you blow it every time.
All the nerve you have for taking me for granted.
All the gall you have to gas up my friends.
Your story doesn't make any sense.
All you want is for us to get back together.
But how many times do I have to say I don't want that anymore.
I need be alone to get better.
Evaluate your irrational mindset.
See how quickly you escalate everything.
Provoke the worst sides out of me.
Like that's supposed to get us anywhere.
All that is building up is hate inside my heart.
For a person who I used to love.
You make everything about yourself.
Do you ever care about anything else?
When it all falls apart we won't know how to talk.
Speaking terms turn into a lingering passive aggressive burn.
We'll never be the same.
I'm erasing your name from my brain.
You think I'm coming back.
I'd rather eat a jar of tacks.
Than sit there and listen to your selfishness.
Your shine died down a long time ago.
From the all times you didn't think of how you treated me poorly.
So I poke back with a cattle prod.
That's how I express my sourness.
I taste bitterness on my own lips.
And I'll lick them clean to hide it.
Another night I'm forced to think about how I regret this.
I wish I never fell for someone so selfish.
You'll be in my friend's ears.
Acting like you should receive some kind of sympathy.
I sit there shaking in rage from this anger.
But never want to express it to her.
I wait and hope for you to heal.
And close my eyes and pretend my positive outlook you didn't steal.
Sticking your finger in a wound then twisting.
Every time I give you an inch you ruin it.
You won't take the luck you get.
And learn not to push it.
You're walking on a tightrope in my mind.
Leaning to the edge spitefully to each side.
You know you over-pushed yourself into my life.
Everyone knows that but they hide their strife.
Disrespect the walls I built to keep you out.
You always find a way to sneak around.
You never would listen just say you were upset.
Nevertheless you're my biggest regret.
Now you want everyone to feel bad for you.
When you're the one making yourself feel gloom.
Come to terms that you're on a ferris wheel you fuel.
That rotates off your moods whenever you choose it too.
And now we can't even be in the same room.
Anyone from the outside never knows how you are on the inside.
It's so hard to be mature about this.
I try to be resilient like rubber but end up dwelling on things the whole summer.
I want you to be okay.
That's always been a priority.
But you're acting out so bad.
And all I do is end up mad.
With no substance.
What happened to us?
I guess that's why they call it a break up.
We stand divided.
Nothing can change that.
We want different things.
I'll feel resentment from your friends.
From me packing up and taking myself to a new land.
I have to do this for myself.
You're not what I need.
I'll have to find it in someone else.
You don't like who I became.
But girl I'm far from ashamed.
Yeah I had to go on and change.
Because nothing was the same.
You want a redo but it's a little too late.
I've been too stressed by you to wanna date.
Don't get me wrong you're not someone I could erase.
But the way I've been feeling for you isn't great.
You're not a person I wanna hate.
So don't make anymore ambiguous mistakes.
My strong suits are word play and foreplay.
Not holding someone else's weight.
Been too focused on honing my craft.
Don't have time too slow my role down.
Used to have you coming in fast like a direct deposit.
Now we question why we drifted apart and you expect me to solve it.
Well here it is.
This wasn't my doing.
In my heart you were swimming.
In your heart I was drowning.
You took my effort for granted.
Decided I was good enough as I was out the door.
Now I don't wanna do this anymore.
The black under my eyes say don't give it another try.
I love you but I'm finally taking my own side.
You don't know what I'm doing.
You don't know what I'm thinking.
You just don't know.
But you expect the worst of the situation.
Even when I tell you everything.
I make a decision for myself.
And then I'm accused of not caring about how you felt.
I'm not your possession.
So stop the pretending.
Just don't, just don't.
I'm her grim reaper.
But she doesn't know all I do to make sure I don't make her heart something I bruise.
Everywhere I look I'm questioning how you are.
Every time I do I know you're at a bar.
Drinking to kill your pain.
Trying to be so intoxicated you can't remember my name.
I'm a passenger of life.
I can't remain in one place.
Where I end up is a mystery.
Even with your grip holding me.
Your hand around my throat so tightly.
I'm running out of air to breathe.
You're upset that I need to leave.
Threatening how bad you'll be.
So I tie myself to the tracks.
And wait for your oncoming path.
Railroad lines bellow me.
This isn't how I imagined 23.
Unleash the overdrive to your highest speed.
I'm ready for your wheels to end my misery.
You always say "because"
There's always a reason why.
Bouncing over boundary lines.
Then I'm suppose to act fine.
Sweat dripping from my temple.
I would call you out but it's not that simple.
I see everything you do.
Disingenuous effort for my attention.
I'm not about buying into it.
But I pretend it doesn't bother me.
Sell me something different.
Like a new perspective.
No more excuses.
No more warped rationales that don't add up.
When it's over that means the end.
Not pleading a case that you defend.
I'm sick of having this conversation.
And tired of hearing about you.
I feel trapped in my own life.
About to saw off the arm you have a grip on so tight.
In the moment you have no awareness.
You feed into your impulsive emotions.
Then flood my phone after with apologies.
This cycle isn't something I need.
Barter your ways for something I can appreciate.
Treat me like a friend not your possession.
Don't make yourself into a loose end.
Don't turn yourself into one of my regrets.
Everything I did to change your life. Yet you come at me constantly with a knife.
And I never tell anyone to save your face.
But you open your mouth full of strife.
Check yourself and be humbled.
Or I'll sell you out with haste.
After all the times you cried to my friends when it was your fault.
Don't need this cluttering my brain.
I need seclusion and a locked door.
Don't bothering giving a knock.
I won't answer until you're not like this anymore.
Everyday I still think about it.
Every night I see your face on my ceiling.
I watch a highlight reel of the good times on my wall.
I miss those days but they are so far.
I'm having some regrets.
I know I haven't told you yet.
I don't know if this is nostalgia.
Or something stuck in my subconscious.
But what I do know is I really miss you.
Who knows if it would have worked
But I'm too scared of making it worse.
What can I say?
You left a lasting imprint on my brain.
I don't know if this should stay the same.
Or if we should fix this for a bigger and better sake.
I'm sorry I can't be there.
I'm just a boy who's too damn scared.
My mindset became so different.
Paranoia and stress is all I think of.
I need to be alone.
I need to find new scenery to roam.
What is our fate, whose to know?
Until then I'm just your friend.
You got my initial tattooed on your rib cage.
Hope one day it's not something you hate.
I can't express how much that means
That you would dedicate some of your skin on your body.
I may be misdirected by all of my fears.
But you'll always still be someone I need to have here.
Thank you for believing in me and for all you have done.
And all the times you hold me down when I feel the need to run.
The lust I had for you is something I miss.
And every drive we used to take too.
I can't change the damage done.
Or any of the things we said about how we can't do this anymore.
Nostalgic for so much.
Today I look over my shoulder and miss her.
Gathering everything I once had.
Take it my hands and feel my stomach turn.
But I'll put it in a shoebox and close the lid.
I know this isn't healthy for either one of us.
The days we spent together could be seen as a regret or a life lesson.
I hope in the end we can drop the past and become friends again.