The Space Between
"This was the last 8 months of my life so here's me drawing up the curtain for all of you. I gut myself extremely hard for this project, I hope you enjoy reading it." - Michael Deabold
Illustration by Alessandra Bonaventura
You glow inside a terrarium.
Refracting off the glass.
The smallest little plant.
Stuck behind that case.
I'll water the soil beneath.
Hoping to spread your leaves.
Lets see how far this goes.
Make me feel something strong enough to write a poem.
A taste test of pretty girls won't make me any less cold.
My mind is something you now control.
The spring time begins to warm our souls.
Like the foliage that is starting to grow.
It'll slowly become whole.
And I'll pray you'll follow.
You're the lilacs beginning to flourish in my front yard.
And I want to be the water that makes you bloom.
I'll be your raincoat.
When your sky comes falling down.
I'll be the umbrella that you forgot to bring.
When it downpours all of spring.
Always attracted to the quiet ones.
The ones who can suspend reality.
People who can project out words.
To make me forgot about what they want me to be.
I'm seeing colors again.
After all this time.
I'm no longer desensitized.
What do the tarot cards tell you?
Do they read, "I need a cathartic release"?
In the Irresistible face before me.
I'll stare and crave disintegration.
From the fear of falling for someone again.
Writing shitty poetry won't make me any less confused.
Being flirtatious with girls is a thrill that got overused.
This routine is way too played out.
Sitting alone at home with a head I recently found.
Starting to think I don't need anybody.
I think I might need you.
My body is an empty vessel you can use.
Don't hold back from this spiritual muse.
Please pull down my eyelids.
And make me love a life of sin.
I won't make any bit of sound.
I'll be concentrating on you now.
A girl that glimmers inside of a trophy case.
Don't fall for her you've seen this before.
Attracting eyes and an all black aesthetic.
A personality that seems so authentic.
You see no harm all you see is a saint.
That's all hopeful optimism until the resulting pain.
Not everyone is meant to fit the part like a puzzle piece.
I'll put up a shield inside the depths of me.
Refraining myself from getting in too deep.
I'm not cut out to be the person I thought I could be.
I'll attempt to put out the fire before it starts.
It's almost 2am and I want your un-detailed closure.
Let me down ever so gently.
Tell me that I'm a mineral your mold doesn't need.
I've got the best bad feeling about you.
Stumbling around lovesick or confused.
But you'll calm me back down.
I wasn't trusting anyone.
Frustrated and distant.
With the rest of the world.
But saw new hope inside a girl.
You were the angel that I needed.
When cynicism was the only thing that kept my heart beating.
You'd send me a picture of your face.
And you knew that would make my day.
You said, "express yourself to me even if you think you're being psycho"
She understands my bad sides with ease.
I think she's the missing piece of myself I need.
The space between is keeping me from asking for what I need.
She said, "I don't want to be like this.
I can't be with you or anyone."
She says, "he really hurt me, don't you know?"
That boy from Pennsylvania left without saying goodbye.
He drinks away her memory.
While she silently waits for him to return.
But he went on his way and he's not coming back.
Took everything from Long Island he thought he needed.
But inside his bags, her heart he didn't pack.
That angel got her halo clipped.
In her face he tends to repeatedly spit.
She'll wipe it off and cry in her room.
Listen to Lydia and hope to get some sleep.
She'll pray for no more dreams about him.
And drift off and into a place where she feels nothing.
The walls will keep her safe.
I hope she knows if they aren't enough I could do the same.
She doesn't know any better and maybe never will.
As she drinks away the thought of this all.
The burning inside isn't what it used to be.
I hope soon that's something she will see.
He took everything for granted and never deserved her.
He'll roam the streets now covered in dirt.
From the grave he kept digging up.
That he ran away from and left her chest to rot.
I know that this heartbreak hurts.
But she'll see eventually he's not worth the pain.
One day she'll love herself the way he used to love her.
And the perfect face he once had will turn into a blur.
The beach lacks your presence.
Carved your name into the sand.
My friends ask how I am.
I'll shrug and say I'm not too bad.
I'll watch over the shoreline.
The tide moves so gently.
Wishing it would wash over me.
Taking away this romantic disease.
Walking on trails made of rocks.
And in a flash I'll feel blue and empty.
Sounds of bugs hum a tune.
You're across the island.
Somewhere typical of you.
I'm climbing up steep dunes.
I'll get to the top then search for a clearer view.
Trying to convince myself I'm not in love with you.
Airing out my thoughts into the spring night.
We fell into a routine that is far from new.
Talking everyday made a fire light.
Tell me if that isn't right.
Who are you kidding, kid?
She's never gonna let you fully in.
Stop fooling yourself.
Get back on that shelf.
I'm wasting all my time.
But at least I'm wasting it with you.
My head was heavy so I turned into a ghost on you.
I really should have thought that decision through.
I'm now an issue.
Not a solution to your pain like I wanted to be.
I'm laying in bed and I can't sleep.
I accidentally almost left behind a person.
That I didn't know needed me.
"I know you didn't want to hurt me.
I know you didn't do it on purpose.
It was just something I really wasn't expecting at all.
I tried making myself feel better with lots of tequila and beer.
I know with everything in me.
You were doing this for good reasons.
I know you didn't mean to hurt me.
I didn't think I'd take it this hard. "
I colored her face in dark blue.
I abandoned that girl in a tomb.
I didn't want to but felt forced to.
I should have never let her go.
With her final breath.
She told me, "I understand why you left."
She'll try to read the pages that became blank.
Over time more faded than the ink.
Tears fall down onto what was once a beautiful storyline.
The fairytale she loved is now an unsolved crime.
A bullet she never saw coming.
Shattered the hourglass holding them.
He smirks and opens up a coffin.
She'll reluctantly get in.
He'll give her a new home underground.
And expect her to forget him now.
This isn't any overdue closure.
It's a poor excuse of a send-off for his departure.
She'll accept her fate and sleep under the dirt.
Waiting to grow back up through the earth.
Hands on the glass.
As she watches the world pass.
She's fighting this on her own.
Trapped with the noise in her brain all alone.
Trying to distract herself with alcohol and online shopping.
She wants to feel nothing for him.
The situation became so one-sided.
Ever since the space between them divided.
States keep them apart but so does he.
She'll live in denial tricking herself.
While back at his new home all he cares about is himself.
He grew up to be a selfish alcoholic.
As he pours another drink.
The lonely girl secludes herself and thinks.
"Darling, you fucked up."
She'll say in her head.
Then an up-hill climb begins.
To see a greater view from this mountain.
And the thread will start to unravel.
To stitch up the heart he left buried under the gravel.
It's 4am and we're talking about life.
We're getting way too sincere late at night.
I said I'm not glued to my phone.
I'm glued to you.
She was tired of living on mute.
Replace the pain with an escape route.
I'll say in a somber tone,
"Take my hand and follow me to a place unknown."
She ends up wallowing in self-pity.
Inside a head that she doesn't know is pretty.
Wilting from the lack of sunshine.
Using beer as a temporary substitute.
But she'll feeling lavender.
She'll throw out what's left of her old self.
I gave you my old t-shirts.
And a record player to replace the one that didn't work.
Hoping it doesn't come off ostentatious.
I miss the aura that surrounded us.
But now I'm just a boy that turned into dust.
I don't think I ever stood a chance.
My hair wasn't long enough.
I didn't smoke enough cigarettes.
While you're swooning over him.
I'm sitting by the water thinking.
I can only offer what you let me.
And I can't view what you don't let me see.
I wonder what you're doing.
You're probably peacefully dreaming.
Of a future that doesn't include me.
Somewhere that you finally see clarity.
I'm on the south shore with my friends looking for some places to explore.
Hoping the spring air strikes hard.
And makes me not feel like this anymore.
All the love and all the respect.
Didn't have much of an effect.
Overly infatuated with making you feel anything.
You're posting lyrics on the internet that remind of you him.
I'll never relate to how much you like classic rock.
When I have a 90's ear through and through.
So pretentious but you don't mind it.
You find flavor in a personality that's tasteless.
My thoughts are as dark as her eyeshadow.
I'll remain disillusioned from so much.
Yet still act full of myself.
I deserve to live on this shelf.
I'm not entitled to have you or anyone else.
The black clouds sometimes become too much.
So I put up an this egotistical front.
But you'll shine so bright and guide me with your light.
Don't waste your time.
Even if you know I'm right.
We could be the tag team of our dreams.
But that's not anywhere right now in reach.
Alcohol warms the bloodstream.
It's all so numbing.
I walked you to the front yard.
And kissed you goodbye.
It was so dark I couldn't even see your eyes.
Only a silhouette and perfect a outline.
The next day you picked me up.
And we explored the dynamic of us.
Under those street lights.
I actually felt something that night.
Take me somewhere where time doesn't exist.
Where I all see and feel is your embrace.
Connecting our energy.
And I'll get lost in your kiss.
Ending up covered in lipstick.
When this ends it'll be something I'll miss.
It seemed so simple.
Eyes locked, clothes off.
Young and careless.
Became confused and anxious.
Roaming around with eyes that warp the brain.
Temptation coming down like adolescent rain.
Puddles on the ground.
Only have perfect reflections now.
Good sensations turn into a slaughter.
When bodies begin being pinned against each other.
I'm loving every moment.
Even when I know I shouldn't.
I think you got me love drunk.
Every time we kiss I'm flying through clouds.
Starting to get worried of this euphoria.
Because I see you everywhere I turn.
Please tell me I'm not the only one.
I Can't Promise Anything
We are smoothly moving down the lake.
You have a smile on your face.
She says, "let's stay like this"
Self doubt starts to make me think.
You're rowing is keeping us level.
And I'm stroking the water with a broken paddle.
We both know you're not gonna settle.
Her mind is too busy running wild.
I know I'm gonna make us sink.
Try not to go down with me.
My whole life I've played out in my head.
Where someone like you could help my skin shed.
And shape me into the man I was born to be.
But you're just another statistic in a book.
One that I wrote of all the words I never spoke.
Can't go backwards the riptides are too strong.
They are pushing us aggressively forward.
Hold my hand we're bound to go under.
Drown out your lungs with me if you want.
Until you find another.
Until you discover something better.
I'm trying to process it all.
While swiftly sliding down into a hole.
She put me in my place.
It's not where I want to be but I get it.
I was looking for something in nothing.
I'm starting to think I chose the wrong direction.
My head said no.
Why didn't I listen?
How did I get here?
Tried to live off some bullshit initiation.
Is it wrong to follow your heart?
When you knew you wouldn't get very far from the start?
She can do better than what I can bring.
She'll eventually find herself in someone else.
Thinking about reverse psychology.
While washing down a pill with some coffee.
I'll keep asking rhetorical questions.
Doing my best to sabotage myself.
This shouldn't be as jarring as it seems.
I should be focusing on searching for inner peace.
Overly calculated answers to my friends with a crack in my voice.
Trying to hide that this wasn't my choice.
Whenever she talks it can force me to my knees.
Can you tell how much she means to me?
Her waves came rolling in.
Pulling me back out to sea.
Dragging my body under way too deep.
I'll try to wait this one out underneath.
I'll throw up my heart.
Toss it in a coffin.
At your front door you'll find me.
We'll be taking turns being upset.
Looking at each other with such regret.
I couldn't stop the bleeding.
The talk has become so dull and short.
Trying to communicate but all I hear is white noise.
And I'm feeling us increasingly break apart.
I was nothing more than an emotional crutch.
How is this any different
than any other situation I've ever been in?
All you ever cared about is how you were gonna be perceived by everyone but me.
Are you sure I'm pulling away?
You're the one who said the words, "I'm not ready."
Why should I stick around
When you don't even know what you want?
She said, "my feelings for you like that just started fading and things aren't the same for me anymore"
So over everything.
So under you.
Tangled in a web of all the faith I had in you.
This is just another heartbreak I'll be forced to live through.